Some Tips on Revitalizing Your Marriage
“Postcard . . . from the Edge”
The outlandish bi-monthly article prepared for our flagship Life Advocate magazine
7 February, 1998, Anno Domini
For the month of our Lord, March
Some Tips on Revitalizing Your Marriage
My Jayne has been dancing like a gazelle about the house since late January. She is altogether beautiful. And I have always told her at least annually that her lips are like a scarlet thread; yes, and that her neck is like the tower of David built with rows of stones on which are hung a thousand shields. But it wasn’t until this year that she really has responded to my compliments.
Pay attention, men. I shall reveal unto you the secret of your wife’s happiness.
A little background. We were enjoying the fellowship of that august cadre of conspirators gathered for the White Rose Banquet when suddenly Don Treshman appeared with the latest news on the sentencing of Joan Andrews. He was also scurrying about the room with a new book called Wrath of Angels, written by two reporters who had attended the first Banquet in 1996: Jim Risen and Judy Thomas. Well, I picked up the book and checked out what it said about me and folks that I know. As I read along in the presence of Jayne while she was putting dishes away, I yelled out a “Woooo!” To my wondering eyes, I read the quoted words of John Cavanaugh-O’keefe, to myself, and then aloud: “I think Jayne Bray is a woman of enormous sexual energy.”
Well, she just smiled and smiled – this 42-year-old mother of nine. (And her joy continues unto this day. Yes – I owe you, John.) She estimates that she will be happy the rest of the year.
That’s it, men. That old lingo Solomon used with his wives and concubines just doesn’t get it in the 1990s. You have to modernize and say it straight. So, I don’t tell Jayne about her beautiful fawns anymore; nor that her “teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes”; I just tell it straight out: “Wife, you have enormous sexual energy.”
This new knowledge, combined with all my previous family wisdom, has opened the door for me to conduct seminars for Promise Keepers. We are still trying to settle on a title for the course. The top two options are: “How to Have More Than Two Children” and “Coping with a Wife Who Has ESE.” (If you think you would like to take this course and are confident that it will be offered, please send in $500 ASAP to AFLM for early registration and get a 50% discount off the regular proposed $1000 price for the ESE seminars – which will be held in Israel if we can get a cheap boat.)
Well, that’s enough on marriage enrichment counseling. But, to be fair to JCOK, the quotation continues: “and because she is a Christian, she has focused all that energy on one man . . . I think that she knew how to get him to do what she wanted.”
She takes the Fifth.
In other family news (since I am on the subject), I report with anxiety on the progress of my 16-year-old daughter’s betrothal. We are still soliciting dowries for my firstborn (See Capitol Area Christian News, Spring 1997). I am sorry to report that since I sent out notices on the eligibility of this excellent young girl, I have not received a single genuine Philistine foreskin (a la 1 Sam. 18). I did receive an impressive batch of facsimiles from Ohio fashioned from pork rinds and am awed by the display of skill in the art of deception. And I did receive one fiduciary alternative offer – one man offered a son who owns a business. Tantalizing. But the response, on the whole, does not bode well for the state of the Union (spiritually speaking). And yet, it may be that there is a remnant out there which simply has not heard the word. (Of course, and “How shall they hear unless someone preaches to them?”)
Rather than despair, then, I shall briefly appropriate the opportunity of this writing to address any unfortunate souls who yet wander, unsubscribed to CACN. And so, for those who have not heard of our search, I tell you now: In the hopes of finding a chivalrous mate for my deserving daughter in this age of apostasy, it seemed good (and economical) to accomplish two feats at once. The procurement of Philistine foreskins – let the reader understand – would serve not only to discover a valiant man of God, but also reduce the number of abortions in the land. Good stewardship and a very American two-for-oner.
Now, having finished with marriage and family matters, let us conclude by returning to the Wrath of Angels. It appears to be a fairly accurate representation of the particular figures that it covers. But if this is history, much is certainly left out. Close at hand is an example within my own church. Just as my labors are overrated, so those of others are completely overlooked. My own church member, Kip Gannett, was responsible for organizing dozens of blockades in the D.C. area over several years including the two D.C. Projects for which OR received all the news coverage. (During the routine blockades conducted in the D.C. area without OR, little or no coverage was afforded by local news organization. Was this practice repeated with a different cast of characters in all cities OR visited?) Leaders chose cities where there was already good local organization and activity. Thus, despite the pursuit of truth by historians, perfect truth is not easily discovered.
And yet, what of all human events is important to cover? The salient fact is that there was and there is still a distinctively Christian resistance to the American Holocaust. Many of God’s people, unknown to the writers of history, are known at the very least by the One who has called them and to whom they faithfully rendered service. The one great flaw of this book, then, is not in the matters of fact; but in an erroneous presumption; it is a little early to say that the “Abortion Wars” were fought and lost. Perhaps so, regarding many “Prolifers.” But if that is the case, it is arguably also true that the Anti-abortionists have hardly begun to fight. Time and the rest the story will tell. Let us take heart and be encouraged, regardless. There are history books written by men and there is a history book maintained by the hosts of heaven. The Almighty sees all and will judge perfectly every deed. And when it seems that the wicked are winning, even victorious already, we remember that He says: “Vengeance is Mine. I will repay.” And He will. How good, at times, to call His justice to mind. I close with an anonymous poem of warning and assurance:
A white flag cannot end this bloody war,
No water can cool this fire that burns on.
You have lived in clouds of rebellion
That are now being blown away
By the winds of consequence.
The peace in your heart will now be replaced
With a terror in your eyes.
For the fire that will consume you is a fire that you have lit.
The hands you have killed with will decay,
The eyes you have plotted with will melt away.
The light you dwell in is about to be swallowed
By an unfathomable darkness.
Wipe the tears from your eyes,
Erase the fear from your heart,
Put your knees in the dirt
And bow to the God who holds your blood red destiny
In The Palm of His Awesome Hand.
It’s your choice!
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